Foster Care. The dream....

Today was not a good visit.

It was rainy and grey and when I got there the waiting area was FILLED with families. Highly unusual. I guess the kids that have been there for a while normally get to sit outside with their families for a picnic. Since Max is a new resident, we only get one hour supervised visits in a large sterile room. There are groups of plastic chairs -- 3, 4 or 5 -- spaced around the room to allow for family visits. I always give up several of the chairs since we only need two. We are a small family, Max and I.

Anyhow, once they led us upstairs, we enter the room. Most of the kids were there already. But not Max. I found a group of chairs and sat down. And waited. And waited. And waited. I feel really awkward just sitting there alone, while the family visits go on around me. Where should I look? They don't let me bring in my purse or phone so no checking the Blackberry while I wait. 15 minutes into our 60 minute visit, in comes Max, an angry scowl on is face. I know the signs by now. This is not going to be a good visit. One of the caseworkers tells him to tuck in his shirt. (They attempt to make the kids adhere to a formal dress code which is so far from how they dress in reality it's always a shock to see him wearing khakis (not sagging!) and a polo shirt.) He is not happy about that. He doesn't tuck the shirt in. I try to hug him. He tells me the caseworker is an "asshole." No hug for me. The caseworker comes over again. "Sorry to interrupt your visit but Max you need to tuck in your shirt." Max tucks in about 3 inches of the shirt and glares at the large man who slinks away. Max can give some amazingly intense and scary looks for a little guy.

He starts in on me. "Why am I here?" .... "When am I getting out?" "Everyone hates me here.".... "WHEN DO I GET TO GO TO THE FOSTER HOME?"

Really? He actually thinks that going to a foster home is a GOOD idea. Wow. He then proceeds to tell me how he cannot wait until he is 18 so he never has to see my face again. Stab me in the heart.

I love him. I always will. But damn, it's hard to keep trying to give help and hope to someone who "hates" you so much.