A month later and, well, just broke.

Well, let's see....in a nutshell he got out....was extremely hostile the day I picked him up, not the happy Hollywood ending I had envisioned.

Listening to James Taylor .... "When this old world just starts getting me down and people are just too much for me to take"....I go to shady motels and watch stupid TV shows, get tap water ice cubes from that amazing machine located near the stairwell, pull those black-out curtains, and pretend I am in the South of France. Is it bad to run away from your kid? After you've spent your last remaining dollars on him in an effort to "help" him? And he still hates you, now more than ever? He almost has me convinced that I am the crazy one, the one to blame, the horrible one. So, basically nothing has changed in the past 5 or 6 weeks.

Let's see, other than I am now officially broke, my son does drugs everyday rather than every other day, and I am getting so many conflicting pieces of advice from well-meaning people of all walks of life -- including the local police department and my employer and my family -- but nothing makes sense to me. I have never been more confused in my entire life. So, what do I do? Just go. Go away. Drive and spend my last few pennies on cheap motel rooms where I can just .... be. Alone. Is that wrong? Not too deep down I am hoping that someone will figure out that I have abandoned him and they will take him away from me. But I always return. Guilt really sucks. I wish I had no guilt otherwise this would be so much easier. Fuck.

So the day to day reality is that he went back to school right after getting out of rehab (he used the day he got out) and he refused to adhere to any of the terms of our contract. Namely that he stay sober and go to those 12 step meetings and stay in school. So, of course, after a week back at school they kicked him out again as he was a "safety risk to himself or others". So a week at home while I was at work doing the grunt work of 10 people (they all got laid off- yeah! good econonmy!), HE got to spend the week relaxing, sleeping in watching TV and playing X-Box. I begged the school to take him back because there was only a month left and god-dammit, I wanted something to come to some type of a conclusion. At least he could finish the school year!

I know this makes no sense but short story is that he's still using drugs, I am broke, rehab did not work, he refuses to get help, I am about to lose my job for a variety of reasons, and well, life goes on. One way or another.